The Legend of Johnny Scarborough
I’s asking for spare moneys at Kennedy and 401 outside Delta Ho(meless Shelter)tel when chubby New Scarborough Police Department officer shrieks, “Put your hands where I can see ‘em, dirtbag!”
Between shaking AR-15 red laser sights is me, grey-skinned, skinny as twig, wearing only yellow-tinted underwear and lovely pink gas mask. I no lift hands off creaky bicycle handles, instead stepping towards cop. Traffic piles on both sides cause his partner block road for investigation.
“Put boomstick down, lil baby, I’s Timmy’s creamy chocolate chill,” I croak through cracked gas mask. “You no allow shoot me ‘cause I’s lil cock Asian.”
“What are you?” he demand. “Where have you come from?”
“I’s just Afro-Canadian Blue-Blood Arayan Neo-Nazi Punjabi Korean Zionist Plutonian from great nation Palestine, baby. What you are?”
I only ask ‘cause I can’t tell if he Chinese/Egyptian or Indian/Mexican.
“I’m gonna need backup! Jesus, we got some kind of space man in clear violation of New Scarborough law!” NSPD officer say into radio. “Permission to open fire?”
Police chief must say something. Officer nods and focuses laser on my forehead. Commuter honk horn. Officer yell shut up or else ‘dey next.
Another NSPD vehicle with sirens blaring pull up. More officers with boomsticks hop out. Doctor woman wearing lab coat and black gas mask step out with fat suitcase. Inside is techno console drinking blood vials.
“Sir, we’re going to take some blood to determine ethnicity,” she said. “Should be painless.”
Doctor jab thick needle into my arm, and it almost tear straight through grey rubber flesh. She take inside juices for computer to read.
“PROCESSING!” say robot voice.
It go BOOM into million pieces all over scalding pavement.
“My God!” doctor lady exclaim. “Everybody put your guns down!”
“What is he?” they ask. “Alien?”
She pull out megaphone, turn to me and go, “Sir, you are the world’s most mixed-race individual—a beautiful blend of every documented culture and ethnicity on Earth. On behalf of the New Scarborough Government, congratulations!”
NSPD officers drop boomsticks and start clapping. Commuters exit cars to cheer. First officer make tears over mega diversity moment in New Scarborough history. I think ‘bout right time to ask spare moneys.
Life transform over night. I so woke ‘cause I no sleep for months. They ghostwrite best-seller ‘bout me called The Legend of Johnny Scarborough. My name Jesus (no relation) but Johnny Scarborough more marketable. Book full of lies, but everybody wanna be mixed like me for post-racial world. I become Tinder global spokesman. Evening TV news invite me to talk my life.
“Johnny Scarborough, you have been such a tremendous inspiration to the world,” blonde blue-eyed Chinese/Korean newslady say. “Tell me, please, how living on the streets in a city as diverse as New Scarborough has inspired you to share your story through your incredible book?”
“Thank you for ask me good question,” I answer. “I tell you everything if you got spare moneys.”